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Candace House
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An amazing letter that tells it all.
Received:
December 21, 2021
I want to extend my thanks to everyone at Candace House for your warm welcome, your thoughtfulness, and for helping my family star the healing process after the terrible loss of my youngest son, Ethan.
My experience with the Manitoba Court system is very limited and I had never been inside 408 York Avenue until December 15, 021. As a Winnipeg police officer, my wife, Susan Zuk-Boyer, has been inside those doors numerous times. She may have felt a familiarity with the building, but I felt a wave of overwhelming panic at the very thought of being in a courtroom with the person who killed Ethan with dangerous driving.
My oldest son Reid, Sue, and I being together was helpful and supportive, of course. However, given the emotional damage of waiting two plus years and the circumstances, if it had only been the three of us present that day, it would have been… Overwhelming to say the very least. When COVID; protocols permitted only two of us to be present in the courtroom, well, I expected things were going to be crazy. The feeling of picking who could attend inside the court was eating a hole in my stomach.
But I did not have to find out because we were ablet o have family and friends with us before, during and after the court session at Candace House, which made us feel safe, comfortable, and pretty much at home during one of the most trying times of our lives.
That says a lot as I have a very large and close family – 39 first cousins plus many Aunties and Uncles.
I also credit Candace House for providing me with something I did not expect, white the accused driver, Samuel Mandel, took responsibility for the crash that killed Ethan, I had never heard him say he was sorry. Due to the lawyers or whatever, I never heard him apologize until he stood up and said it in court. It meant the world to us all. I’d waited 782 days to see Samuel, or hear him say any words at all, even words I did not want to hears, such as blaming someone else, or worse, blaming Ethan….
However, as I was in such a secure and safe place inside my own soul due to family and friends being so close by, I credit Candace House with allowing me to forgive Samuel Mandel and ask him to forgive himself as well.
I never thought I could feel forgiveness toward Samuel, even on the morning of that day in court. I wanted him to live forever and have Ethan’s preventable death haunt him every single day of his never-ending life. However, due to the comfort and love I felt at Candace House, forgiveness was found. Besides forgiveness, towards Samuel, maybe a small bit towards myself as well.
Without Candace house, I do not think I would have had the kind of day that I did. I believe the bitterness and hate I had towards Samuel would still burn inside my soul to this day. Forgiveness? Not a chance.
I also saw my oldest son, Reid, step up as a man inside courtroom. Ethan’s death came at a hard time for Reid. He battles addiction, and he and Ethan had just started to be brothers in the days before Ethan died. Ethan’s death sent Reid over the edge, back to his old habits. The night before even the morning of court, Reid was full of hate. Who can blame him? Ethan was not supposed to die so young and senselessly.
However, in our face-to-face meeting after court was done, I saw Reid stand, say “I forgive you” and shake the hand of the man who killed his baby brother. Reids’ action that day made me proud to be his dad.
I credit Candace House being full of family and so welcoming as having a hand in Reid’s actions. This helped a very troubled teenager take a large step in growing up and maybe even forgiving himself a little as well. The road of addiction is full of wrong turns and many setbacks, but Candace House helped by providing a welcoming, smooth road for Reid to travel that day. I am not a very religious man, but I do thank God for Candace House.
For all of the above, I will forever be grateful and be supportive of Candace House and our new friends, Taylor and Cecilly. Thank you both from the bottom of our hearts,
With love and meaningful support,
Dana Boyer
Received:
December 21, 2021
I want to extend my thanks to everyone at Candace House for your warm welcome, your thoughtfulness, and for helping my family star the healing process after the terrible loss of my youngest son, Ethan.
My experience with the Manitoba Court system is very limited and I had never been inside 408 York Avenue until December 15, 021. As a Winnipeg police officer, my wife, Susan Zuk-Boyer, has been inside those doors numerous times. She may have felt a familiarity with the building, but I felt a wave of overwhelming panic at the very thought of being in a courtroom with the person who killed Ethan with dangerous driving.
My oldest son Reid, Sue, and I being together was helpful and supportive, of course. However, given the emotional damage of waiting two plus years and the circumstances, if it had only been the three of us present that day, it would have been… Overwhelming to say the very least. When COVID; protocols permitted only two of us to be present in the courtroom, well, I expected things were going to be crazy. The feeling of picking who could attend inside the court was eating a hole in my stomach.
But I did not have to find out because we were ablet o have family and friends with us before, during and after the court session at Candace House, which made us feel safe, comfortable, and pretty much at home during one of the most trying times of our lives.
That says a lot as I have a very large and close family – 39 first cousins plus many Aunties and Uncles.
I also credit Candace House for providing me with something I did not expect, white the accused driver, Samuel Mandel, took responsibility for the crash that killed Ethan, I had never heard him say he was sorry. Due to the lawyers or whatever, I never heard him apologize until he stood up and said it in court. It meant the world to us all. I’d waited 782 days to see Samuel, or hear him say any words at all, even words I did not want to hears, such as blaming someone else, or worse, blaming Ethan….
However, as I was in such a secure and safe place inside my own soul due to family and friends being so close by, I credit Candace House with allowing me to forgive Samuel Mandel and ask him to forgive himself as well.
I never thought I could feel forgiveness toward Samuel, even on the morning of that day in court. I wanted him to live forever and have Ethan’s preventable death haunt him every single day of his never-ending life. However, due to the comfort and love I felt at Candace House, forgiveness was found. Besides forgiveness, towards Samuel, maybe a small bit towards myself as well.
Without Candace house, I do not think I would have had the kind of day that I did. I believe the bitterness and hate I had towards Samuel would still burn inside my soul to this day. Forgiveness? Not a chance.
I also saw my oldest son, Reid, step up as a man inside courtroom. Ethan’s death came at a hard time for Reid. He battles addiction, and he and Ethan had just started to be brothers in the days before Ethan died. Ethan’s death sent Reid over the edge, back to his old habits. The night before even the morning of court, Reid was full of hate. Who can blame him? Ethan was not supposed to die so young and senselessly.
However, in our face-to-face meeting after court was done, I saw Reid stand, say “I forgive you” and shake the hand of the man who killed his baby brother. Reids’ action that day made me proud to be his dad.
I credit Candace House being full of family and so welcoming as having a hand in Reid’s actions. This helped a very troubled teenager take a large step in growing up and maybe even forgiving himself a little as well. The road of addiction is full of wrong turns and many setbacks, but Candace House helped by providing a welcoming, smooth road for Reid to travel that day. I am not a very religious man, but I do thank God for Candace House.
For all of the above, I will forever be grateful and be supportive of Candace House and our new friends, Taylor and Cecilly. Thank you both from the bottom of our hearts,
With love and meaningful support,
Dana Boyer
Our Letter |
Dear Family,
I know this is not a journey you ever wanted to make… I hope Candace House can make it easier. Suddenly after experiencing a crime, you may find yourself needing a completely different set of tools to survive a new world you didn’t know existed. You may find you need a new set of words – for example. Somehow the language and vocabulary have changed. It’s like entering a new land without your passport in hand or a reliable translator. You may find yourself inhabited by a volcanic set of emotions. Sometimes it is fear that takes control. Then it’s anger, frustration and extreme irritability. Sometimes it’s sadness – a longing for the way things were. As you journey through this new land, you might find yourself obsessed with a deep longing for justice – for some outside authority that has the capacity to set it all right again. This often leads to incredible disappointment that everything is failing you and it will never be the same. When we thought of creating Candace House, our main objective was to create a safe place that puts you the victim first. Much of the legal system is focused on the wider society’s need for safety and control. They are looking after the perpetrator – and rightfully so – but in all of this there needs to be someone looking after the needs of you – the victim. Looking back on the murder of our daughter, I just remember the nightmare of 33 years. I remember the first time I was called the “parent of a murdered child.” My identity had changed. Everything changed. My world, which had been so safe, normal and fun, had turned into this strange wilderness with wild animals, dry heat and no road map. During those early years, all I remember was my need to find something safe. I was always looking for simple relief or someone who was safe. My world had turned hostile and I needed to regain a sense of safety. I found myself looking for a safe liaison to help us communicate with the police force. The process of investigation seemed cruel and heartless at times. I looked for a safe support group – a people of like-experience to share my story so that I wouldn’t feel as if I was going crazy. I needed help to deal with the concept of a mysterious murderer – some person within our neighbourhood had intentionally murdered our daughter. Who would do such a thing? Our whole world view shifted and we had to learn to deal with violence – a new concept for us. How do you deal with antisocial – people for whatever reason, intentionally break all the rules. How do you restore justice or even a sense of justice when crime becomes a norm or at least it feels that way? Then after the person was arrested, I needed someone safe to ask my dumb questions about the process and not make me feel ignorant. In the end, during deliberation, I needed a place off the law courts campus, a kind of home away from home. After a stressful day in the oak trimmed marble halls and rooms of the court building, I needed something homey to offset the feeling of isolation physically and emotionally. My dream was to establish a house that would understand all of this and just “be there for all crime victims.” There are many excellent devoted people who saw the need and made it happen. It is now a reality. We want Candace House to be that for you. We want it to be a safe place for all those extremely important conversations that need to happen. A safe place to escape those courtrooms and become a home away from home. A place filled with new words and resources to help you navigate the systems. A place to hang out with those who understand you and your new story. Finally, my hope for you, dear family, is that after you have survived the journey, which now might seem an impossible dream, you will be able to look back and feel that even though there never is any justification for violations of any kind, that the journey itself back to health was filled with new learnings, new friends, and supportive people who were on your side throughout. My hope is that your happiness will not have disappeared but was deepened with new understandings. Respectfully yours, Wilma Derksen (An open letter to families written by Candace House visionary, which remains as true today as when it was written two years ago as we opened our doors and welcomed our first families.) |
